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Demographics of an Evolving Self (uncut)

Who Am I?

Melvin J. Hayes + Mattie J. Johnson = 38 years human, Melvina Chantel Hayes.  Chosen by spirit to house this frame and go forward living/seeking/allowing life to impress universal truths upon my remembering… sensitive, discerning funnel of faith, expansive matter provocatively influenced by mounting experience(s), realness, truth, life, light.

What AM I?

Woman, descendant of an African clan in a foreign land acclaimed American, writer, artist, youth advocate, health activist, daughter, spiritual practitioner, sister, unclaimed wife, aunt, niece, writer, cousin, best friends, prayer warrior, employee, mentor, diva, artist, writer, icon, rebel, magician, writer, artist, light.

When am I?

When consciously unconscious, subconsciously sleep walking, awake ascending above my'self… 

When fearful, intimidated, scared, grateful, fearless, appreciative, sacred, begrudging…

When lost, leading, following, learning, teaching, growing, stagnant…

When hurt, hailed, healed, healing, jealous, purely nailed to my crosses, believing in disbelief…

When satisfied, denied, rejected, dejected, afflicted, anointed M'powered…

When broke, broken, extravagant, impoverished, affluent, wealthy, rich…

When left, lost, longing, abandoned, abandoned-abandoned…abandoned…

When righteous, reactionary, wrong, pressured, judgmental, stubborn, pensive, present…

When all that I am escapes me…light.

How AM I?

Passionately, intensely, intensively turned-up, expansive deeply, intentionally, expressively, lovingly, ferociously, audaciously, coquettishly, coyly, boisterously, anxiously, passively, aggressively, pre-tty, sexy, roguishly, impatiently, dogmatically, saintly, culturally, pretentiously, transparently, artistically, light.

Why AM I?

To evolve, to remember what I agreed to forget I know, to experience reasons to laugh, cry, love and laugh a lot, to advance the Human Genome Project, to express a lineage and unfold a legend, to thrust the envelope wide open, to pour my spirit into the cauldron of life, to confuse the jaded mind, to jumpstart the failing heart, to see as much of me in possibility as I dare to believe, to extinct the Human Genome Project, to reflect mother's nature, to co-create life, to create light. 

Where Am I?

What I know, unequivocally, about where I am is where I've been…I think. If I follow my yellow brick road to "here" I'd see textures of love, rage, commitment, triumph and defeat.  I'd see lots of love, love lost, blank spaces, hurt places, mixed races, races in places oscillating backwards to "here".  

I'd see invisible truths, discernible denials, broken systems, broken hearts, shattered dreams, deafened screams, listless progressions to "here". 

Passing desiccated reservoirs, dedications to illusions of commitment, trysts of passion speeding to red lights, longings deferred, dreams fulfilled, miracles on wings of magic, divine bridges over hellacious pitfalls. 

On my way to "here"…protected by serrated boundaries, lost tugs of war w/ drawstrings pulling my heart's desires 360° to…wthere?

…opaque determinations & commitments and I meant its, don't get its, get wit' it or miss its, reminiscent of relentless gifts of doubt, hope on thick clouds of smoke; and consistently mis-diagnosing me 20/20; but from "here" I see…light.

Luv YA!

Adulterated Athleticism

Feigning Seeking Understanding…

presumably the reason for…

confrontation, antagonism, disagreeability, condescension,

while you cleverly hail,

 

having not actually even convinced yourself

to seek to know, understand. 

Transparently, in full disguise,

feigning to not "know"

dupe, reading from your playbook of "Intellectually Stimulating Debate",

your victims, your loved ones take darts, venom that you may feel well…

lest they we shielded.

 

Feigning Possessing Knowing…

After incessant politic'in: some…

pseudo-enlightened, conclusive manifesto, a failed attempt to mask

passive-AGGRESSIVE pathologies perpetuated, projected onto

your sister friend; keeping your foot on someone else's neck,

attempting to keep another good _____ down

allowing you to better live with,

lest you ever attempt to debate with,

your own vices.

Meaning Claiming Being…

I meant what I said,

"No MORE mental gymnastics for me", please & thank you. 

Choosing not to appease,

succumb to my own debauchery, to be sure, not yours. 

BEING, I said! 

 

My pathology unleashed:

shining bright lights in areas where darkness protects, preserves, perpetuates;

leaving allusive bonds dilapidated;

throwing it all up, escaping your t'rap, imposing mine,

turning up the volume;

creating regret (for ALL)!!! 

Holistic Healing…my pathology………………………………………………….leashed:

appreciating the opportunity;

assuming responsibility where I discern;

allowing you to BE.

 

My stations:

knowing…

being…

PEACE! 

Yep, I get off…

Luv YA!

Red Baskets

Red Baskets

Baskets of shit. All of this shit. Why don't we just take what we need? Why are we so greedy?  Red baskets!  Am I inclined to be entitled because I choose to be lower class?  It's "The Man's" responsibility to provide for me…Really?  So, since he fails to help me excel, I'll live my hell out loud and impose on your lifestyle, I try. 

Red Baskets full of shit in streets.  Because, I choose to be lower class, I'm exempt from…fuck it, I'm lawless.  I see you in your business suits in pursuit of your dreams and since "The Man" has relinquished his responsibility to me, I can cross slowly against your green, selling my magazine, requesting your "spare change" with my Red Basket full of shit that I don't even need.  Since, I'm lower class, my greed liberates me of the responsibility of the consciousness that you seek.  "…and feed me!"

My artistry: black ink on card boards, living out loud my misery, free speech allowing me to intrude on you in pursuit of your feats.  Choosing a lower class allows me to sleep and pee on streets that carry you to your dreams, because I'm too fucking lazy to believe.  Red Baskets full of shit that I don't even need.  Apparently, you owe me; because your wealth (or so it seems) is what I seek.

Red Baskets full of shit that I don't need, oblique, as I rest my feet from the hustle that I seek in pursuit of you chasing your dreams while we feign desires for relief from these streets that house me, walking against your green, mean…lawlessly awaiting "The Man" to bequeath me, lest I eat from your hand.

Red Baskets pulled by two hands, two feet, in streets passing signs that welcome me to apply for positions ensuring true liberty; instead remaining in my zone of comfort, wearing my label of "Lower" allowing you to owe me spending my life in misery awaiting "The Man" to bestow me with the freedom that I feign to seek. 

Red Baskets on Mission Street! 

Luv Ya!

Trust?

Would you rather trust yourself with someone you certainly don't trust or take the risk of trusting someone you're not certain you can trust?

Is it a conundrum to desire safety/security, stability and honesty? Is it a setup for failure? Am I cheating life (self) if assurance is what I yearn for, even if it comes at the cost of principled relationships? What has integrity ever afforded me?

I took my integrity into my local financial institution and asked them to cash it; and I left in debt. …charged with CONTEMPT as their safety & security is based on sub-prime, exploitation and marketing tactics, camouflaged as "fine print". Is fair exchange really no robbery?

Could the joke really be on me: "Why aren't you married?"…as I ponder, "Why aren't you single?". Must one relinquish peace, sanity and seemingly self-respect in the name of love? Could this be a fair exchange devoid of robbery…quid pro quo? So, have time, lonesome goodbyes and faith been a waste in pursuit of something that is an illusion: safety in the midst of other human beings?

Is life's sole purpose to be enigmatic? …and the degree to which one tries to grasp its meaning is inversely proportional to ones success in life: hence the adage, "Let It Go!" So, why try…anything? Could this be Deepak's reasoning with the Law of Least Effort: hence the adage, "Fuck It!"?

If I had a penny for my thoughts, I'd be sipping sangria in Sag Harbor with a chef and the sunset on deck!

Instead I quest with certainty that I'm on the journey designed exclusively for me, exactly where I'm meant to be.

My Attitude?
Gratitude!

Luv YA!!!

Sentenced

Sentenced to Life, the possibility of parole after...after, after
Thinking that what you see is what you get, i stand convicted,
Apparently, convicted of being too damn nice,
foreshadowed my plight
Convicted of loving another indiscriminately despite what was best for me
Knowing no better than to throw caution to the wind, w/ both feet I jumped in to what manifested as a frying pan
Yep, I got burnt, one might think I would've learned
Dodging a 9mm bullet, from the frying pan I jumped right into the skillet
Daring to love again
Convicted of wanting to be his friend, accepting a disorderly not destined to be anything great
Convicted of thinking that my love might make the difference
But to that there was indifference married to an inability to see what was in his own best interest
I was in my prime, plead guilty to the crime & did my time.

Sentenced to Life, the possibility of parole, after...
After pulling myself up by my boot straps, I found that
No amount of resistance causes the love bug to flee, even after it had bitten me
Convicted...with the determination to get it right...
Because ladies, let's be fair, who in here doesn't want that other, that lover that allows you to know that your heart beats, that you can surmount defeat, that ride or die in your life, that make your toes curl, that getting on your nerves, that make you glide through that red light cuz' he consumes your mind, that turn your frown upside down, that if he gets too close the hairs on your neck stand, that...that...that Black MAN!
So, as i was say'in...

Convicted...with the determination to get it right I bought into the fairy tale called shining knight
But, his armor is what I missed, replete w/ bliss by a kiss from one when undressed was really a frog
Happy at home couldn't satiate his desire to leap & sit, or should i say shit on many thrones, didn't someone ever tell him to, "leave well enough alone"
So while my love was being drug and taken for granted,
He dug a ditch that his swag couldn't fix
I was twice convicted with an itch to perpetuate my own undoing in the best interest of pursuing, no knight, no Mr. Right, but my own light...
Ohhh, but first, I was Convicted of penal code 411 turned up 911
I paid my restitution and turned within and realized my solution

Sentenced to life, without the possibility of parole...
Convicted w/ the Truth: everywhere I go, there I am
Then, I was charged w/ becoming a better woman
More than cliché, is to be your own best friend instead of looking for it in a man!
But, whoever said, "You can't win for loosin'!" was yeah...
'Cuz, then I was convicted of being too bourgeoisie
Graduated from being too naive to too outspoken,
Now, I'm too independent & intimidating, "Are you fucking joking?"
I'm too suucessful, too happy, too much acting like I don't too much need a man, too educated, too beautiful, too athletic,too much nurturing, much too candid, too spiritual, too ambitious, too much class, too much sass & jazz, too much bringing sexy back, too much nails & toes tight, hair right...
And on that note too much short, too much natural, too much straight, too much weave, too much fried, dyed and laid to the side...
"You're just too muuuch, Miss!"
Just call me CONVICT...because I have had too muh of this ISH!

Sentenced to Life, the possibility of...
If the possibility is all I have, I'll wear it like a crown, pierced by the thorns,
And hustle, holding fast to faith while I visualize for more,
Convinced of the possibility of him that sees past my vessel to a level that allows kindreeed spiriiiits to parlay this thing into the rest of our...
Does it have to be a dream from which I continue to awake, in this state...
shaking my belief in the possibility of you and me, just like that, to eternity
If Bonnie can do it w/ Clyde, then Why not you & I,
You be Tarzan, I'll be Jane...we don't even need the fame
You can be the beast, I'll be your beauty & you can even get the booty...
But, I see a YOU that wants the whole, package, not just the wrapping

But instead you w/lust in yo' eyes, blinded by the white...
Oh...I know, it's the gold & the bling illuminating yo screen that has you to think of me as a piece of meat best suited to be wearin' yo sheets...
Oh, okay...it's the pink that let me think that it's all thiiis flyneeess that solicited the wink, when instead its "him" to whom you speak
Or is it the green that has you captivated,
no time in space to be dedicated to another human being,
Orrrr, I get it...it's the incest that's got you a mess,
Committed to yo' momma or yo' sista,
But, yo' sistah Yolandah told you to..."Be Blessed"!
I get that I'm not perfect, just a very close second, I reckon,
if someone would soon get the lesson, "Stop wreckin' yo blesson"
To believe or not to believe, that is my question
If you impel me to believe that THIS is the best that I can get,
Then give me capital punishment; because I'm not doing this...

Approaching 2 score of this love'less,
One woulda think of me a menace,
Fuck It...sentenced!

Luv YA!

Take Out the Trash!

Greetings Sisters,

The last couple of days have brought the realization that my sisters (and I) need somewhere to dump our trash. We know what the trash is...the CAC Acts, fear, doubt, procrastination, etc.

Whatever it is, you've all expressed a desire to go into this new year without out it. I offer this space as a dumping ground. All I ask is that as you take out your trash, you connect (comment) with another sister who has dumped hers and needs to be pointed in the direction of healing.

As we lighten our loads and allow the abundance of the Universe to express through us, I offer the following affirmation:

"I RELEASE all fear and doubt; and my good comes to me easily and effortlessly."

Luv YA!